It’s coming up…the big day…your dreaded interview is fast approaching, and you are feeling more and more nervous. Impressing your interviewer may seem like an impossible task, but it’s actually much easier than you think. The tough part would be making your interviewer think the absolute worst of you.

So, if you’re looking to find some pointers for how to bomb your interview (as well as your job), here is your chance to learn just what to say to make all of your chances spiral downhill.  

Get too personal: This interview is meant to get to know you on a professional level. Yes, personality and background are important – but only regarding aspects of yourself that are desired in the workplace. If you don’t want to show your interviewer why you’re the best candidate for the job, go ahead and tell them a ten-minute story about the time your cat died and how you overcame that tragedy. In fact, unless they really have a strong affection towards cats, your sad tale may just put them to sleep before the interview ends! 

Be too cocky: Selling yourself is always a necessity, so that you showcase what you can bring to the company and why you are the right choice for the job. However, if you want to take it one step further to be obvious about showing off, you can try bragging about being “the best at everything”.  True, you could just talk about your strengths, skills, and positive traits in a proud and informative way… but ensuring that you don’t impress your interviewer means being obnoxiously arrogant too. (If you for some strange reason want to impress your interviewer, then you can check out our article on how to talk about yourself here.) 

Come off needy: Interviewers are often more interested in candidates who remain composed and self-assured throughout, no matter how badly they want the job. For this reason, crying and getting down on your knees to beg will help you come off as desperate and make your interviewer turn their head the other way. Flooding the floor with your tears and banging the table in a tantrum is one way to ensure that you don’t ace your interview. 

Suck up: Your interview isn’t there to hear you dole out compliments and flatter them senseless by commending their choice of dress. They don’t want to hear what you think of the way they matched their socks to their top. There is a clear difference between being charming and being too flattering, perhaps even a little too flirty. Batting your eyelashes and praising your interviewer’s every move is sure to send the wrong message and mark you as too unprofessional for the job.  

Bash your past employer(s): This part should be fun, because who doesn’t love to blame their failures and challenges on their boss after they are fired or decide to leave their last job? The interviewer is more likely to take the employers side in every conflict and complaining may just make them think that you’re the difficult one to manage. So, if you want to gain the reputation of being a gossip and being hard to work with, then go on about how much of a jerk your boss was. 

Ask what’s in it for you: Asking your interviewer what the job can do for you, from the salary, to vacation days, to potentially scoring their job in the future, is sure to be your fastest ticket out of that door. If you start off by asking about the salary wage right away, you may be sending the message that you’re mainly interested in the money. Saying things like, “in the future I want to own this company” can show an undesirable thirst for power. Asking about vacation days seems like you want every possibility not to work and are not dedicated to the company’s goals. 

Don’t do your research: Coming to your interview fully prepared by reading up on the job’s requirements and the company’s goals will help you answer questions according to what the company is looking for. Simply replying to questions with answers such as “I don’t know” will make you appear uninformed and ignorant about the company and its vision. Your interviewer will see you stammering through your answers and know right away that you didn’t do your homework.  Sounds easy enough, huh?  

Talk too much/little: Your interviewer just asked you a question – let’s say it was “how did you hear about us”? Giving a long 30-minute answer depicting the exact time and date when you saw on LinkedIn that a job position opened, and describing what you did at that moment, how you felt, and even what you were wearing, is once again going to put your interviewer to sleep. If this is your goal, then don’t get to the main point and feel free to drag on and on. Another way of boring your interviewer is giving VERY short answers that don’t get to the point at all. Such as answering the previous question by saying “I just did”, without any mention of how. 

Arrive late: A sure way to give over a bad impression from the get-go is to walk into your interview more than 5 minutes late. Unless your car broke down and then erupted into flames in middle of the highway, there aren’t many stories that are good enough to excuse being late for such an important day. If you want to fail the interview before you even begin, then come strutting into the interview a half-hour late with a big smile on your face and absolutely no excuse. Trust us, it will shorten your interview significantly. 

Appear disinterested: Causing pretty much any obnoxious distraction while your interviewer is trying to ask you questions is guaranteed to rile them up. This is one of the surest ways to not only NOT get hired, but to even get yourself thrown out of the interview. Just take every opportunity you can to appear unfocused, bored, and too busy with other things. Even if you insist that it’s crucial for you to ask your gardener if they watered the roses, answering your phone while you’re being asked questions is often inexcusable.  

When you have done all the above so that you DON’T get the job, the next step is to wait to hear back from the company. Though who knows, if you did a terrible enough job you may just get kicked out of the interview then and there.  

If for some reason your plan backfired, and they still decide to hire you, we have just the article you need to find “practical ways of sabotaging your job”.  

Disclaimer: If you decide you want to apply for the job with the intent of getting hired, then just avoid doing everything we told you to do in this article!